


Neurotic to the Bone

by thepinupchemist



Series: Retail Hell with the Young Avengers [1]
Category: Young Avengers, Young Avengers (Comics)
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - No Powers, Alternate Universe - Retail, House Party, Multi, References to Drugs, Shopping Malls, Suburbia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-26
Updated: 2019-07-26
Packaged: 2020-07-20 14:28:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,688
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19993735
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thepinupchemist/pseuds/thepinupchemist
Summary: David Alleyne works at the mall and has a crush on Noodles Guy. Meeting him does not go as expected.(and apparently, Noodles Guy's brother is Galaxy Hot Topic Kid, who may or may not like Handsome Blonde Dude that works at American Eagle)





	Neurotic to the Bone

**Author's Note:**

> A retail hell AU! The Young Avengers all fall between 19-24 years old. I intend to have more installments in the universe, but we'll see -- I'm primarily working on original writing right now, but the gods of ThinkFast & the ghost of my job at Hot Topic compelled me to write this. 
> 
> There is alcohol & drug use in this installment by characters under 21. CW for vomiting.

**Sountrack: Basket Case - Green Day**

_**Neurotic to the Bone** _

Some nights, David couldn’t sleep. When he tossed and turned, he tried to wait it out, but eventually, he flicked on his bedroom light and found something to read.

When that didn’t work, he slipped out the front door of his parents’ house and slumped into a chair on the porch. There, he tried reading on his phone or his StarkPad. Sometimes, he stuffed his headphones in his ears, closed his eyes, and listened to a podcast while the summer breeze skated over him.

Not every night, but some nights, Noodles Guy ran by David’s house.

Sometimes as late as one in the morning, Noodles Guy streaked by in workout gear, murder on his face and Pokemon GO in his hand.

David really wished Noodles Guy wore his own nametag when he worked.

**

David worked at the mall. He didn’t hate his job. It didn’t pay well, but it was enough to carry him through some basics while he hustled through school and lived on his parents’ charity.

The Puzzle Factory sold games and puzzles and a few toys, catered mostly to teachers and nerds. They required their employees to wear polo shirts emblazoned with the company logo, tucked into their slacks. David looked stupid in the outfit, but he loved solving puzzles. And, as it turned out, he excelled at selling puzzles, through sheer enthusiasm alone.

Noodles Guy worked in the food court at an “Asian-inspired” bistro that sold sub-par food, but it was hot and cheap and riddled with sodium. David loved it as much as he hated it, and Noodles Guy contributed about 86% of the love. He oozed extroversion, wore a different employee’s nametag every time he worked, and had the brightest green eyes David had ever seen.

David did not have a crush on him.

Okay, he kind of had a crush on him.

**

Despite working at the mall for months, David didn’t know many people that worked there by name. He knew some of the people at other stores on sight, like Purple Sports Girl, or Weirdly Identical Electronics Guys, or Galaxy Hot Topic Kid, or Handsome Blonde Dude that worked at American Eagle, but he didn’t _know_ them. They nodded at each other tiredly when they opened their stores in the morning or waved in the parking lot after closing.

David really only interacted with Noodles Guy and Eli on the regular. Eli worked in the two-story Barnes & Noble at the east end of the mall. He hated smiling, knew exactly what kind of book you needed before you could open your mouth, and took his job very seriously. David loved him.

In one of his most embarrassing moves to date, David had stammered out a pass at Eli a couple months into working at The Puzzle Factory. Eli took it in stride, revealed he was tragically heterosexual, and they’d been best friends ever since.

They gamed together every Friday night like clockwork, except –

“I can’t this weekend,” Eli said.

David frowned into his Purportedly Orange Chicken But Probably Something Else. “Why?”

“Kate’s birthday party is on Friday,” Eli explained.

David frowned. “And who is Kate?”

Eli sighed. “Purple Sports Girl,” he said.

“You knew her name this whole time, and you didn’t tell me?” David asked.

Eli shrugged. “I like hearing your nicknames. Sad I never got one.”

“Frowning Book Man,” David told him. “If I were to give you a nickname. Frowning Book Man.”

“Very funny. You can come to the party if you want,” Eli offered. “She lives up in those big-ass houses down south. Last year was wild. Kate knows everyone. Like, actually everyone. I bet you anything that Noodles Guy’ll be there. Maybe you can do something other than stare at him like a creep.”

David’s eyes darted away from Noodles Guy, whose nametag today, upside-down, read _Lisa_. “I don’t stare,” he insisted.

Eli lifted one brow.

“Parties aren’t really my thing,” David went on. Besides, actually meeting the people he’d lovingly nicknamed over the past year of retail purgatory would force him onto a separate plane of social activity, and he didn’t know if he was ready for that.

Even if it meant finding out Noodles Guy’s name.

And why he went running at one in the morning sometimes.

And what his friend code was on Pokemon GO.

“Maybe I’ll make an exception,” David conceded.

**

David had made a terrible mistake.

Kitted out in actual clothes he liked – black jeans that hugged him in just the right way, and a short-sleeved button down patterned with tiny pug dogs – he stared down one of the biggest homes he had ever seen in his life.

The bass vibrated over marble columns. Unfamiliar faces smoked outside in the front yard.

Eli clapped David’s shoulder.

“I can’t believe _I’m_ saying this to someone,” he said, “but live a little.”

And so, naturally, Eli vanished the moment that they strode into the house. Clusters of people hung against walls and on the furntiure, drinking and talking and laughing. No one looked like they had an opening for one particularly awkward library sciences major that worked at a puzzle store and lived with his parents, so he stashed his body next to a potted fern and watched the crowd.

Tragically, Handsome Blonde Dude rounded the corner. Up close, he was even handsomer, broad-shouldered, with rows of earrings up both ears.

“Puzzle Guy!” he exclaimed, lifting both arms in greeting. In one hand, he held a beer.

David opened his mouth, then closed it again.

“American Eagle Guy,” he managed. Fortunately.

“Teddy,” Handsome Blonde Dude said, and offered his hand.

“David,” David replied.

“Great to finally meet you, man,” Teddy said. “You wanna beer or something? Did Kate invite you? Kate knows everyone.”

 _I don’t drink_ , David might have said, had he his head on straight. He did not have his head on straight.

“Sure,” he said, and followed Teddy through the chatter and loud music to the kitchen, where some kind of God of Debauchery laid waste to the countertops in the form of red cups and giant bottles of cheap liquor. Teddy kicked the lid up on a cooler, pried the top off of a beer on the edge of the granite countertop, and passed David a beer.

David drank.

Beer was gross.

He drank more.

“I actually know Eli,” David said, to fill the silence, if nothing else. “I like to read. I mean, I work out, but I just go to the gym I don’t – I haven’t really been in the Dick’s.”

Yikes. This was less than ideal.

David knocked back more of the beer. It still tasted gross.

Maybe that was what all those PSAs warned against: because one beer turned into two, beer turned into something sharp and fruity in a plastic cup, and time went soft around the edges. David heard of alcohol referred to as social lubricant, but without his bearings, the people around him seemed louder and louder, more and more, too too much. He escaped the throng in the living room, to some boos and calls for him to come back from strangers whose faces ran together.

David hiked up the stairs two at a time and threw open the first door he reached.

A bathroom.

A bathroom in which somebody was throwing up.

A bathroom in which _Noodles Guy_ was throwing up.

“Noodles Guy,” David said, because alcohol severely hampered his ability to filter his thoughts before they reached his mouth. He wished his atoms and the atoms of the floor would rearrange in just the right way so that he could fall through the tiles and out of this situation.

Noodles Guy turned his head, cheek resting against the toilet seat. He smiled up at David and said, “Hot Puzzle Guy! Where have you been all my life?” and promptly vomited again.

David shuffled inside the bathroom and shut the door. He knelt at Noodles Guy’s side and asked, “Hey, are you okay?”

“I mean, like, macro or micro, man? Are any of us okay? Have I ever been okay? Will I ever be okay?” He heaved again. “But also, I’m tripping real bad and you’re like, growing wings, man. I know your face doesn’t look like that, with the shark teeth and shit. You have really nice teeth. Usually. Fuck.”

Beside Noodles Guy’s leg, his phone glinted in the bathroom light.

“Should I call someone for you?” David asked.

Noodles Guy groaned. “Katie’s gon’ be mad at me if she sees me.” He plucked the phone off of the floor and stabbed at the password screen.

Then he dropped it on the floor and vomited again.

“Phone’s a demon,” Noodles Guy said.

“I’ll handle it,” David promised him. He rested a cautious hand on his shoulder, and gingerly picked up the phone. The background was a Luigi meme.

In short order, David flicked through to the contacts. None of them were real names – some were only emojis (🏹🏹🏹💜) while others were absolute nonsense ( _i’d let her kill me tbh)._

David searched ‘Mom.’ Nothing came up. ‘Dad.’ Nothing. ‘Home.’ Nothing.

He swiped over to favorite contacts instead.

There were only three:

“ugh”

“ugh.”

and

“gay witch 💩💩💩”

David let his eyes roll up to the ceiling, exhaled through his nostrils, and decided “gay witch” was his best course of action. He thumbed at the contact, and the phone rang. And rang.

“Tommy?” a sleepy voice answered.

Noodles Guy was named Tommy.

“Uh,” David managed. “I’m with, um, Tommy. He’s in bad shape.”

“Shit,” muttered the voice on the other end. “You’re at Kate’s party?”

“Yeah. I found him upstairs in the bathroom. I don’t know what he took or how much he drank, but I think he needs somebody to come pick him up,” said David.

A yawn. A long sigh. “Okay. Tell him Billy’s gonna come pick him up, and he owes me fucking big if he wants me to keep this from our parents. Wait, who am I talking to?”

“David,” David said, and realized, without context, that meant nothing. “Tommy called me Puzzle Guy?”

“Shut up,” Billy replied, “Hot Puzzle Guy? I can’t wait to give him shit for this. See you soon.”

Billy hung up, and David stared at the call screen in his palm for a long moment. A groan from Tommy tore him from his musing and back into the present, where somehow, despite his own inebriation, he was the one in charge.

“Hey,” he said, in what he hoped was an appropriately soothing tone of voice, “I called Billy. He said he’s coming to get you.” He did not relay the last of the message.

“Oh, Jesus,” complained Tommy. He peeled his cheek off of the toilet seat, braced both hands on it, and tried to stand up.

He collapsed, head cracking against the lip of the toilet. David reached out on instinct.

“Okay, maybe don’t do that,” he suggested.

Tommy gave him a thumbs up, but did not remove his face from the toilet seat.

In the millions of ways that David had planned out Actually Speaking to Noodles Guy, never once did this cross his radar. He imagined a suave version of himself inviting Noodles Guy for coffee. Saying something funny when he ordered his food, perhaps, instead of something awkward. He didn’t know what Noodles Guy liked other than running and Pokemon GO –

Hey, wait a minute.

“So, you like Pokemon?” David asked.

“Kinda,” Tommy mumbled. “I didn’t know shit about it before the whole Billy thing. Frank and Mary were,” – he made a fart noise and a thumbs down – “about games. But Billy’s into it and he made me an account or whatever and we’ve _bonded_.” ‘Bonded’ came out odd. Not bad. Not good. A strange note in a barely coherent sentence, was what it was.

David let Tommy babble. He talked fast, and the odd observation of somebody riding the high of at least a couple of substances, peppered the speech. Tommy liked cake out of the box and Billy thought this was a sin. Tommy dropped out of high school and got his GED. Tommy thought the room was stretching when he looked up from the toilet seat. Tommy couldn’t focus enough to read and Mrs. Kaplan, whoever that was, thought he might have ADHD.

“Maybe I’m just stupid. D’you think she thought about that? Riddle me that, Hot Puzzle Guy. I like your teeth when they’re not pointy.”

Tommy’s phone vibrated against the floor. Tommy groped for it and answered, “’Lo?” then, “Slow...fuckin’. Here, Puzzles. Help me out.” He extended the phone toward David.

“Hello?” David tried.

“Hot Puzzle Guy?”

Billy, then.

“David, but yes. This is Puzzle Guy.”

“Great. Where are you? This house is huge,” Billy said.

“Upstairs, first room on the right. It’s a bathroom,” answered David.

“Thanks.”

And he hung up again.

Only a minute or so later, the door burst open. In it stood none other than Galaxy Hot Topic Kid in Wonder Woman pajamas and a tank top, black under his eyes where eyeliner hadn’t come all the way off. Behind him, Teddy stood, bewildered, glancing from Tommy to David to Galaxy Hot Topic Kid and back again like he didn’t know what to do.

“Tommy’s your brother?” Teddy said.

“Yeah,” answered Galaxy Hot Topic Kid – Billy. “We have the same face. Did you miss that?” Then, refocusing his attention on the bathroom: “David. Hi. Thank you for babysitting him. Somebody help me pick him up. I had to park all the way down the block.”

“Bill-eeeeee,” Tommy said from the toilet, sing-song, and then to David, “I’m in trouble now.”

Collectively, Billy, Teddy, and David managed to get Tommy upright. Billy guided while Teddy and David supported Tommy on either side, making it down the stairs one painful, drunken step at a time before they waded through the crowd below. Near the bottom of the staircase, Kate lounged against the wall in a purple dress, smiling at Pissed-Off American Flag.

The smile snapped into a frown the moment she laid eyes on Tommy.

“I’m gonna fucking kill him,” she declared.

“Wait until he’s sober,” said Billy, “then he’ll remember it.”

“Kaat-ieeeee,” Tommy said, and hiccuped. “I don’t know what I took. But look! Puzzles!”

Kate swept her eyes over David. “I can see that,” she said drolly, then jerked her head at the door. “Get him out of here before he embarrasses himself even harder.”

“Yes, ma’am,” Teddy cheerfully said.

Tommy stumbled along between Teddy and David. Billy forged ahead, murder in every line of his body. He brought them to a beaten-up white Honda, unlocked the passenger side door, and waved at them to stash Tommy inside.

“David?” Billy said, after he slammed the door closed.

“Yes?”

“Thanks for calling me.”

“He gonna be okay?” asked David.

“He always is,” Billy assured him, and then stepped closer to Teddy. All at once, David got the distinct impression he was on the outside of somebody else’s moment.

“I like your Wonder Woman pajamas,” Teddy said.

Billy smiled, crooked. “Thanks. It was nice. You know. To see you. Outside the mall. For a change.”

“Boooooo,” called Tommy. He rolled down the window and stuck his head out of it. “We all know you’re gay for Underwear Model Theodore. Let’s get outta here already. Wait. No. David, c’mere.”

David crouched closer to the passenger side window of Billy’s car. “Did it hurt?” Tommy whispered.

David glanced from Teddy and Billy and then back to Tommy again. “What?” he said.

“The vending machine. When you fell from it,” Tommy said, and rolled so his head hung upside-down out of the window. “Because you’re a _snack_.”

“For fuck’s sake,” Billy said. “I think that’s our sign. I have to get him out of here. Have a good night, guys.”

And David watched them go, as Billy started up his white Honda, drove it to the end of the block, and turned out of Kate’s cul-de-sac.

“Well,” David said, turning to Teddy, “that was a production.”

**Author's Note:**

> You can find me on Twitter @thepinupchemist. I yell about comics, the MCU, the book I’m writing, working at a library, and post too many selfies. If I’m working on new installments of this, that’s where I’ll be yelling about it!


End file.
